The blogger Penelope Trunk has two special-needs children. She is also in the midst of getting a divorce. From these two data points — and, as far as I can see, nothing else — she concludes that “It’s nearly impossible to keep a marriage together with a special needs kid.”
Nearly impossible! If you have a special-needs child, you have a .00001% chance of staying married! You might as well call the divorce lawyers as soon as the kid pops out of the womb. It’ll save everybody a lot of time in the long run.
Or, perhaps alternatively, not.
Seriously, how dare this woman? I take it from her mile-long comments list that she runs a high-traffic blog. And here she is, informing people with offhand ease that if a special-needs child happens to come along, that your marriage will immediately be transported to The Rocks, where it will flounder and die no matter what you may want, no matter what you do.
Nearly… impossible. Even if she is merely being hyperbolic, the mind reels at her presumption.
I don’t need statistics to prove she is wrong — any more than she needs them, apparently, to state her case. All I have to do is look at my own marriage. It’s not simply that my wife and I are still together despite Sonny’s Fragile X. It’s the fact that our staying together is utterly bland and non-heroic. We’re not some miracle couple. Reality show producers are not about to descend on my house, so that we can demonstrate to the world how we manage to stay married despite the presence of a special-needs child. Our daily lives would bore the socks off you. We wake up, I go to work, she runs her errands, I come home, she goes to her part-time job, I give the kids dinner and get them to bed, she comes home and we read or watch a little television. I think if we were defying nearly impossible odds, we might know it.
Now, unlike Penelope Trunk, I do not believe that every marriage is a reflection my own. Your mileage not only may vary, it surely will. I have no doubt that for some couples, a special-needs child is a truly damaging body blow. Divorce is a possibility; and if not divorce, than at least a difficult and rocky time. Your life has taken an unexpected and dramatic turn, one that might have terrible ramifications each and every day from now to forever. That can be a hard pill to swallow. If the marriage has a few problems to begin with, this really could be The End. I can easily see how that might be so.
But, please. Does that mean it’s nearly impossible to stay together? No. Just no. Anything but. My blog probably doesn’t have a tenth of the readership that Ms. Trunk enjoys, but someone has to step forward and tell the parents of special-needs kids to ignore the crazy lady and her ridiculous pronouncements. It’s not impossible to stay married with a special-needs child. It was simply impossible for her.
September 10, 2008 at 10:42 am
Nearly impossible? No, I would not agree with that. More difficult, I would buy. I don’t think “more difficult” is universal either though. Everyone’s situation is just so unique.
Having a child with special needs does add additional stress to my life and to my husband’s life. Having a child with special needs was a body blow to each of us but we clung to each other. We recognize that the statistics are against us so we are careful to not lose track of the “state of the union” in the daily details. We are aware of the added risks and it seems prudent to at least acknowledge the added risk to avoid the outcome.
I feel as though Monkey has strengthened our marriage more than anything. We are his biggest supporters, we are very dedicated to the best possible life for him and we work toward that common goal. It’s been very unifying for us rather than divisive.
September 10, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Well put.
September 10, 2008 at 2:51 pm
I’m on my 3rd marriage. If I thought it was doomed from the get go I wouldn’t have kept trying. My fraggles have strengthened my current marriage. We don’t sweat the small stuff. And we team up on the big stuff. I just needed to find someone who was mature enough to handle the “culture” of special needs kids. Too many look at statistics and not at individuals. Like Umma says…we are all unique.
September 10, 2008 at 5:55 pm
I don’t think having a special needs child makes it “nearly impossible” to stay married. My marriage has definitely had it’s ups and downs, what marriage doesn’t. My husband and I do argue a lot about discipline, we have very different views. I’m all for anything but spanking, he thinks a good spanking is best for misbehavior. I prefer trying behavior modification techniques and reward charts or whatever else I can think up.
September 11, 2008 at 11:25 am
The statistics I linked to in my blog post were not about all special needs kids. The marriage statistics are about kids with autism.
Penelope
September 12, 2008 at 12:54 am
Well, whatever statistics quoted, sounds sad to live that way. I personally think statistics are what ruins us. Having 3 children with special needs, I can without a doubt say that my husband and I are more ‘for’ each other today than ever. You learn a new kind of strength…either you do it or you don’t. Face it, life’s hard all the way around. Many people take the ‘easy’ way out, only to find out it wasn’t that easy. It takes way more maturity to stick it out, be humble, have grace, and think of someone besides yourself.
Thanks for posting this one, X-Dad!
September 12, 2008 at 12:56 am
P.S. I really am truly sorry for those marriages that don’t make it. I know it didn’t sound like it in my entry….just something close to my heart. I didn’t mean to sound heartless.
September 12, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Penelope needs to realize that it wasn’t the special needs children that led to her divorce. Perhaps it’s the fact that she’s married to her job? Could that have driven a wedge into her marriage?
Then she has the nerve to call out Sarah Palin for working instead of putting her children’s needs first? Hello pot. Meet kettle.
September 13, 2008 at 10:09 pm
19 years and 3 children affected….hmmm…looks like we’ve made it :-)
September 14, 2008 at 12:42 am
Did you actually read the whole posting? I think you missed the point about what Penelope was saying. I don’t think Penelope was talking about the expected outcome of any marriage with special needs children, but rather the probable outcome of a marriage with special needs children where one of the partners can no longer be an active parent.
September 14, 2008 at 6:50 am
I actually read the whole post. Let’s read the pertinent part together:
It’s pretty clear to me she’s saying that the simple existence of a special needs child = marriage doom, and that any sliver of possibility of that marriage surviving all but evaporates if the husband quits his job to be the at-home parent.